Sunday, July 02, 2006

What a Tease

I know some things in my life. I know that I will never win an argument with my wife. I know that the weather in New England is always bad, no matter what season. And, I know that cellular phone service will never be more than mediocre. It just stands to reason. People have their cell phones glued to their ears. They can’t live without them.

I’m a cell phone company. Why would I spend more money (thus, making less profit) to provide better service when I can just do what I’ve been doing and make a butt load of money? The answer, of course, is: I wouldn’t.

Despite my severe dislike for the cell phone companies and their wholesale ripoff of the people of this country. I have a cell phone. And, despite how much I know they gouge prices, I went to buy a new one recently.

This is actually supposed to be the best part of the whole deal. As a guy, I go to the cell phone store looking for the most expensive phone with as many bells and whistles as possible. I want a phone that will make me more of a man; an extension of my already massive penis.

Beyond the basics of a freaking awesome phone, I like the chance to haggle with the salespeople and try to get a better deal. This is actually rather easy. My wife and I are both fast talkers, and the salespeople usually speak better Spanish than English. My wife is a bit bitchy when it comes to talking to salespeople, so it’s fun to watch her make them look foolish. I feel good about this because, for at least an hour, it’s not me she’s yelling at.

So, I’m all set. I have my Hawaiian shirt, my most comfortable shoes, and my poker face. It’s time to deal. The only problem is, I have to deal with my wife. Yes, I want the biggest, most expensive phone. Unfortunately, I have to settle for the one we can get without actually having to pay any money. So, I end up with the phone that looks just like my old phone.

Have you ever had sex and not had an orgasm? As rare as that is for a man, it does happen. That’s what cell phone shopping is like. I go to the store, and despite getting something for nothing, the cell phone company always wins. I got screwed there and didn’t enjoy it. To top it off, I go for prime rib and end up with some grade D beef for a phone. I get screwed by my wife there and didn’t get to enjoy that either. What is the lesson in all this? I guess I’ll have to go spank it, but I know better than to expect to enjoy that either.

And remember, if there’s grass on the field, put up a tent, throw some steaks on the barbeque, and play some two-hand touch football with the sorority girls having a carwash across the street.

The Testosterone Pundit

(Note: In lieu of a picture. Here is a link to a pretty funny video relating to cell phones. One day, I'll learn how to embed them. In the mean time, enjoy.)

Friday, June 30, 2006

Happy 4th of July Weekend...

A picture is worth a Thousand Words...

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Ugly Camp, Part 2

Well, now that we’ve given a small list of some of the people who will be attending the celebrity edition of Ugly Camp, it’s time to look at some of the activities of their six-week retreat of pain, discomfort, and beautifying.

Don’t forget that Ugly Camp isn’t just for celebrities. Send your particularly butch wife or girlfriend right along. Before you know it, guys will be looking at her in the mall. Who knows, you may want to shop her around and see if you can get some indecent proposals.

Anyway, back to the point. It’s time to look at what makes up Ugly Camp.

*Specialized diet. It’s easy enough to just stop feeding the fat chicks, but that doesn’t always do what needs to be done. So, at Ugly Camp we’ll be tailoring a diet specifically for your horse, cow, or dog. As easily as we can turn the big girls’ diets into sprouts and water, we can create a high-calorie, high-fat diet of cheeseburgers and shots of lard every half hour. That way, we can fix up the Rosie O’Donnells and the Mischa Bartons.

*Extreme plastic surgery. As you know, the largest part of ugly is the ugly part. We can overlook the fat people. We can overlook the dumb people. But, when it comes down to the aesthetic principle, you can’t beat a good looker. So, we’ll take Courtney Love, and turn her into Anna Kournikova!

*Tough workouts. Can you think of anything more exciting than six hours of strenuous physical labor? What is better than a washboard stomach on a chick? Once she’s got the stomach, we’ll pierce her belly and make her even more sexy.

This is just a start. More on Ugly Camp to come.

And remember, if there’s grass on the field, put up a tent, throw some steaks on the barbeque, and play some two-hand touch football with the sorority girls having a carwash across the street.

The Testosterone Pundit

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

How My Wife Saves Money...

My wife came home from the store today with 15 (yes, I said fifteen) backyard oil torches. She was delighted with her find and could hardly wait to tell me how much money she saved. Now, before I get into the how much she paid for to first component in our voodoo sacrificial torch lit alter, help me with something. Why would a woman who fears the backyard at night and runs at the first sign of the West Nile army buy lanterns? The answer to this quandary can only be found in the mind of my wife and leaves all that attempt to solve such a riddle to suffer a fate worse than that of the Sphinx.

We don’t need one backyard torch lantern, let alone 15. I just spent more than a few hundred dollars on flood lights and lamp posts for the backyard. Not because I wanted enough lights to illuminate Fenway Park, but because my wife (who hates to be outside at night) wanted them. So the dog can see when he pees was her reasoning. We lit the backyard like Time Square so the dog doesn’t pee on his foot. Now the dog, which won’t go out at night by himself anyway, has a better lit crapper than I do.

Now, ask me why she bought the torches. She bought them because they were on sale and she got a great deal. How is it saving money when you buy something you have no need or desire for? That’s not saving money. It’s spending money. I can’t tell you how many things we own that saved my wife money. Much of this stuff has never been opened. Christmas candles last July, candy dishes (she won’t let me eat candy), pet clothing and many other treasures sit in my attic saving me money. I hate the Christmas Tree Shop. Would someone please tell my wife that just because something is on sale doesn’t me we need it.

Back to the torches, they only cost one dollar each. Yes, I said one dollar. Who the hell can manufacture and sell a product for one dollar. Let alone a product that is intended to hold a pint of flammable oil and remain lit for an extended period of time. Who is making the torches? Blind Malaysian toddler midgets working in slave camps. I can’t imagine that these things are anything close to safe. They cost a dollar.

If you hear fire engines tonight I apologize, we are testing our new torches. I wonder how well bamboo burns. These things have to be illegal. Wait until she realizes our two year old can pull them out of the ground. Hopefully King Kong will see my torch lit patio, think it is a sacrificial alter and take one of us away. Please let it be me!

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Ugly Camp, Part 1

As much as I enjoy looking at women, there are a few of them that aren’t exactly the cream of the crop. In fact, some fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Where does that leave us guys? Well, for average ugly guy, it improves our chances of hooking up with somebody. Guys won’t turn their heads to look at her; unless they think there’s a wild beast loose in the mall. But, is that so bad?

This is the first part of a series where we will examine how to turn the ugly chick into a beauty in no time flat. In this issue, I have found a few heinous celebrities you can begin courting at your leisure. In the next installment, we will examine how to turn your dog into a…well, into a show dog anyway. Before you know it, you’ll have her jumping over little matchbox walls at the Westminster Kennel Club.

*Rosie O’Donnell. I know what you’re thinking: “Why the hell would I date her?” I couldn’t agree more, but you know as well as I do that sometimes you gotta take what you can get. And, remember, we’ll be sending her to ugly camp, so she won’t be ugly long.

*Ellen DeGeneres. Like Rosie, this will be an uphill battle. After all, she bats for the other team. But, again, ugly camp and brainwashing (I mean intense psychotherapy) can fix anything.

*RuPaul. I know. He’s a man, dressed as a woman. But, I can’t stress this enough. Some guys have to do what they have to do. We all take the good with the bad. At ugly camp we have a whole team of surgeons ready and willing to accomplish the improbable. (And don’t lie to me, before you knew the truth you thought RuPaul was hot!)

Alright, that’s enough for now. Coming soon, we’ll look at the basics of Ugly Camp. How can this strenuous six-week experience turn your mut into a shitzu? Come back soon and see.

And remember, if there’s grass on the field, put up a tent, throw some steaks on the barbeque, and play some two-hand touch football with the sorority girls having a carwash across the street.

The Testosterone Pundit