Wednesday, May 31, 2006

A Friendly Reminder Regarding Spandex...

Maybe I’m late on this one, but I feel I must comment on a couple of things that men just shouldn’t be associated with. There are things that one may partake in that may make you appear gay, foolish, and even stupid. Then there are things that are so friggin’ ridiculous that you should be forced to pee sitting down for having anything to do with them. I witnessed two such things today and I feel it is my obligation to find someway to point out to these poor lost souls the error of their ways.

First of all there is a difference between having confidence in yourself and not caring what anyone else thinks and being friggin’ clueless to what and who you really are. Both are admirable traits when one has the goods to back them up. If your buddy bets you a dollar to walk your XXXL ass around Cambridge in bright pink and yellow spandex; you best take the bet. This is acceptable and any man who is once made aware of the circumstances will understand. If you are competing in the Tour De France please, by all means, wear spandex; you have earned the right.

If it is Wednesday afternoon and you are out for a casual bike ride with your toddler in tow wear friggin’ shorts, there is no need to make your son stare at your fruit basket as you peddle your fat ass down my street. Likewise, a full spandex bodysuit garnished with an erection is not a settling sight as you power walk down Mass Ave. Gay or straight you are not going to get laid in that get up. A fat bald one eyed leprous midget with moles has a better chance of having sex than you.

Second, those tiny little motorcycles (I think they are called Pocket Bikes) are not intended to be driven on major roads or for that matter by seemingly grown men. Riding them full speed down the sidewalk through a crowd of people leaving work does not bring you envy. That full on motocross costume and metallic racing helmet only makes you look more ridiculous, people are pointing and laughing at you. That thing you are riding is a scooter not a midget crotch rocket. Please if you mom won’t let you have a real bike buy a Vespa; James Gandolfini did.

I apologize if my choice of topic is out dated, but I have noticed a terrible increase in the wearing of spandex by men lately. It is bad enough when a fat chick dawns these stretchy duds, but a real man should just know better. As for the scooter thing, well I don’t understand the scooter thing. I think they’re ludicrous especially when the rider thinks they are Evil Knievel.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Something Other Than Chicks

In my attempt to broaden my repertoire of things to discuss, I thought I’d try my hand at a discussion of video games. I spend too much time talking about sexy women, and not enough time talking about other stuff. That said, I’ll discuss here the latest things that are manly in the realm of electronic entertainment.

Let me clarify something here… Some adults, male and female, think it’s childish to play video games. In some respects, I would agree. However, every major men’s magazine reviews gaming systems from time to time, and it is a multi-billion dollar industry. You want to tell me that it’s a bunch of little kids spending that kind of loot? I don’t freakin’ think so.

If you feel like dropping about $450 you can get the new Xbox 360. What’s so great about the 360? Simply, it is the next generation of home gaming console. It provides life-like detail, and everything that guys love about games—real-looking blood splatter, action-packed chase and fight scenes, and some of the best sounding explosions out there. What could be better?

Oh, I almost forgot, the half-naked chicks look more real. Can you wait for the new Tomb Raider game with Lara Croft? Don’t lie. How many of you have spanked it to an old Tomb Raider game? Well, now see her size zero waist and 36DD breasts in three dimensions. Welcome to the 21st Century!

If you’re a gamer who likes tradition, don’t spend your money on the Xbox. Wait for Sony’s release of the Playstation 3. This will be the end-all be-all of video gaming. Sony is the industry leader. In terms of quality, there won’t be much difference between the PS3 and Xbox, but the game selection and sheer volume of PS3’s sold will be enough for me to want one (if my wife will let me).

Why video games? Well, there are several reasons. After all, you can only look at porn for so long. It does get tiresome after a while. And, reading? In the summer? That’s what people who go to the beach do. What’s the only reason to go to the beach? Yes, to look at girls in bikinis, which you can’t do if you’re reading.

SPOILER WARNING! Another great reason for video games is the excuse factor. Let’s say you’re playing your latest edition of Madden, and your wife wants you to go shopping with her. “As soon as I’m done with this game,” you reply. Then, you change the quarter length from five to fifteen minutes. You’re looking at, at least, another half hour of game play. Maybe you can even make it into over time. Then, you’ll have to save everything. You can probably stretch it into an hour. By then, your wife has given up the shopping trip. Then, there’s time for one more game.

Finally, the best reason of all for the video game system is the social factor. You have the guys and their respective ladies over for some socializing. What happens when—twenty minutes into the conversation—there’s nothing to talk about? Let’s play some NCAA Football! The girls will retire to the kitchen, and the guys can talk about what they really want to talk about: naked chicks.

This is the Testosterone Pundit remind you, if there’s grass on the field, put up a tent, throw some steaks on the barbeque, and play some flag football with the sorority girls having a carwash across the street.

The Testosterone Pundit

Monday, May 29, 2006

Family Road Trip Survival Guide...

Memorial Day marks the beginning of summer for most Americans. Beer, BBQ and babes will become the focal point of as many weekends as possible until Labor Day. For me summer is a chance to recuperate from a long New England winter. I get to cut the grass, look at my hot neighbor in a bikini (even my wife thinks she’s hot…which pisses her off) and teach my son how to get me beers out the refrigerator in the garage. As an added bonus countless opportunities to take little family road trips to wonderful destinations not yet known to anyone but my wife arrive.

In the past I have tried to get my lovely bride to take road trips to places that interest me. In her good graces she usually agrees to one maybe two. I predict she will take total control this summer; considering last year my one pick was a disaster. We ended up at the New England Chile Cook Off which was fine until the car ride home; if you get my drift (she certainly did). Anyway, I have come up with a plan to get to at least one manly destination. I am not quite sure what that destination is just yet, but I can assure you it will involve beer, BBQ and hopefully midgets. I can’t divulge my summer travel plan until it has been tested, but I can give a couple of hints on how to deal with those seemingly endless summer antiquing and shopping trips.

First, always look for roadside food stands. I usually make sure to stop at least twice before lunch for snacks. Never pass up a hotdog cart or frozen lemonade stand. There is always room for 2 or 3 hotdogs and lemonade stands usually have a hot chick working them. The roadside snack establishment always offers a quick and tasty diversion to what ever mission your female companion is on. Whatever you do don’t let your wife, girlfriend, or chick you are trying to score with eat too much. If she gets full all chances for lunch and dinner are shot to hell.

Second, never refuse to give input when asked. When she asks what you think tell her, just make sure she doesn’t agree with you. When you don’t offer solicited advice you leave yourself open to a plethora of dangerous possibilities. She could mistake your lack of input for trust and you could end up owning a very expensive and heavy piece of antique crap. Worse than this she could take your silence for apathy and then all you will hear (not immediately, but you will hear it) about is how much you don’t care about things that are important to her. My hint is to always respond to this question with a suggestion you know she will shun. If not anything else at least it appears that you care and she gets to say no to you. In the future this offers you a chance to say “I told you so” and more immediately puts you in line for some sort of thank you. You reward could be choice of restaurant or sex depending on marital status.

Finally, don’t stop for directions. Being lost is better than shopping or antiquing, you just had a snack and you can pee in the woods. Most importantly, by the time you find your way it will be time to eat again. Keep driving maybe you will find a chili cook-off.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

The Little Blue Happy Pill

No one wants to talk about it, but it’s time we brought it into mainstream society: male enhancement drugs. I won’t bother with that tree hugging hippie natural male enhancement. We’ll cut straight to the good stuff: Levitra, Viagra, and Cialis

I think what probably amazes me most about these drugs is the commercials. Viagra goes out and finds old guys to do their commercials. Most notably, they have Rafael Palemeiro, who was suspended during last season for imbibing some other enhancements, and Mark Martin, who drives the Number 6 Viagra car in the Nextel Cup Series NASCAR series. There have to be some great jokes in the locker room for these guys.

Levitra, on the other hand, goes the less obviously manly route. They prefer the more sexy appeal. Their commercials sported this really hot older woman (Marie Sylvia, pictured here) explaining how much better her man was now. Depending on the time of day you saw the commercial and on what station, she was more or less explicit.

The first commercial I ever saw for Cialis mentioned nothing about what the drug did and was aired during the Superbowl. It showed an older couple sitting in matching bathtubs on the ocean, no plumbing in sight, holding hands.

On the whole, none of these commercials really explain what the pills do. If they do mention anything, they call it ED, or Erectile Dysfunction. I like that. It certainly beats going to the doctor and saying, “I can’t get it up.”

The only memorable side effect of these drugs is extended-duration erections. They say that, if it lasts for more than four hours, you should see a doctor. I can tell you this. Most men I know will risk it falling off for a full eight or twelve hours of sex that is only interrupted by a pastrami sandwich and a few beers.

SPOILER WARNING! (This is one for the ladies. If you don’t want to know your man’s secret skip to the next paragraph.) Men don’t have much foresight. We want stuff now, and we don’t think about later. The only time we save money is for a cool car, a new HDTV, or a new Playstation 3. Even then, we’ll blow about three times as much money as we’ll save.

Most men will take two Viagra when they only need one. Why? If one hard-on is good, two would be better, right? Well, I know none of you need the little blue happy pills, but, on a whim, if you decide to take one. Do so with my blessing. And, if for some reason, the erection doesn’t go away, go blow your life savings on hookers before you’re emasculated and have to become a Catholic priest.

And remember, if there’s grass on the field, put up a tent, throw some steaks on the barbeque, and play some flag football with the sorority girls having a carwash across the street.

The Testosterone Pundit

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Things That Are Gay

Well, the first step to being the manliest man one can be is to know the enemy. My cohort on this blog will disagree with many of my choices, but that’s because I think he is secretly gay. I know his grandmother does. Nevertheless, it is important to know what to avoid when one steps out into the world. You can’t fight everything. We’re just getting you started.

*Sex and the City. This, actually, does have hot slutty women going for it. I’ve tried to watch. I really have. I tried it with the volume up. I tried it with the volume down. There is far too little nudity, and far too much “metrosexuality,” which any man will translate as homosexuality.

*Ryan Seacrest. I know there is some debate about this. Actually, he’s tried to toughen his image. There have been the unshaven nights on Idol. There have been the trysts with Teri Hatcher (who is probably old enough to be an aunt, if not his mother). But, let’s face it, gay men watch American Idol every week just to ogle our boy Ryan.

*Christina Aguilera. I know what you’re thinking here. I have taken the liberty of including a picture of Christina. Many self-respecting men will agree that her video for the single, “Dirty,” is the best music video ever made. What could be better than girls in short skirts boxing? But, I have a reliable source (whom I will keep confidential) that tells me that that song is the most-played gay club song of all time.

*Jeff Garcia. Former San Franciso 49ers wide receiver and resident big mouth Terrell Owens is quoted as saying, “My boy always says, if it looks like a rat and smells like a rat…” The quote may not be exact, but you get the picture.

*Broadway musicals. Broadway is not what it used to be. The average man can attend a show and not feel like the only real man in the place, but don’t get too wrapped up in the show. The next thing you know, you’ll be singing “Seasons of Love” and trying out some Bob Fosse moves in your French leotard.

This is certainly only a partial list. But, they’ll give you a good idea of what to look for. And, when you’re in any doubt, just remember what T.O. says. He’s never wrong, especially in his choice of agent.

And remember, if there’s grass on the field, put up a tent, throw some steaks on the barbeque, and play some flag football with the sorority girls having a carwash across the street.

The Testosterone Pundit

Friday, May 26, 2006

Into the Mouth of Madness: An Introduction to the Testosterone Pundit

These are never easy to write. I know people don’t like it when you spend so much time talking about yourself, but let me say that I am much more interesting than most of the people you read about on the blogosphere. Most people are self-indulgent douche bags who just want to gripe with no thought to the possibility that people will actually read what they write. I know you’re going to read this. At least, you damned well better. So, I won’t write about me. I’ll write about stuff that interests me and interests you, too.

I’ll give you the basics… I’m married and late twenty-something. I have a toddler who makes life wonderful and terrible. Besides my family, I’m an expert in sports, food, video games, female nudity, TV where girls get almost naked (or totally naked), and movies where things blow up and girls get naked. Did I miss anything naked?

So, what do you want to hear? I’m guessing that you want to hear about the things you love. You’ll hear from me about the upcoming fantasy football season. You’ll know about the latest blockbuster movies coming. You’ll get the latest pictures of half-naked women.

Most of all, we’re going to examine, in depth, the things that make men men. We’re going to go out and find the most testosterone-filled news stories, the most disgusting things people eat, the freakin’ awsomest explosions possible. (Yes, awesomest is a word, dammit!) And, don’t forget the half-naked chicks!

In a world ruled by women (and don’t let anybody fool you, it is ruled by women), we’re going to find the guy stuff, and we’re going to look at it from a guy perspective. No Will and Grace here. (That is the only time that particular NBC show will ever be mentioned on this blog.)

So, we’ll start with an easy one. Here’s a good manly band you’ve probably never heard of: Confederate Railroad. A country band, they came and went in the early 1990’s. They were never much of a blip on the radar, but, with songs like Trashy Women, Daddy Never Was the Cadillac Kind, and Queen of Memphis, they set the tone for early 21st Century exposed midriffs, ghetto booties, pierced navels, fake nails, and the trashy women we see and love on TV every day. Their sound and content is a moderized Johnny Cash sort of thing. See the link to the left for more on Confederate Railroad.

Well, that’ll be enough for me. This is the Testosterone Pundit reminding you that if there’s grass on the field, put up a tent, throw some steaks on the barbeque, and play some flag football with the sorority girls having a carwash across the street.

The Testosterone Pundit

(Note: I deliver as promised. The photo above is Eva Longoria, courtesy of our friends at Maxim. You’re welcome.)

Thursday, May 25, 2006

I'm Less Offensive Once You Get to Know Me...

I’m in my thirties married with a son. I figure if I am lucky I will get to have sex a few more times in my life, when my wife wants another kid. After that it will be all about free internet porn. I am obsessed with three things food, football, and midgets. The food thing is mainly about BBQ and chili peppers. The Football thing is really about tailgating; again the real attraction is the food. The midget thing is completely offensive to most people and utterly inappropriate, insensitive and possibly even mean. I can’t help it. There is something about midgets or if you must little people (midget is such a great word though) that fascinates me.

Some have accused me of having a duel personality. On one hand I like all the things that men are supposed to like. However, a few of my interests must be hidden from my more manly friends. I have a secret love for the arts mainly theatre and literature. Before I go any further let’s qualify this statement. These not so manly interests were born out of many unsuccessful attempts to get laid. Evenings at the theatre and poetry make chicks horny. Not necessarily horny for me, but can’t you blame a fat guy for trying. If one looks into my past one might think my marriage is cover up. My grandmother secretly does. Anyway, occasionally I might write about things men like that make them look gay. My reasoning is simple. If you are not gay, but have a few interests that make you appear gay you need to be ridiculed for them. If you are a real man you won’t give a crap. If you are offended, then maybe you are gay.

The majority of my writing will be my filterless view of the world. I have a terrible habit of saying most everything that is on my mind regardless of the company I am in. I have, on countless, occasions said the wrong thing at the wrong time in front of the wrong people. Because of this incapacity to keep my freakin’ mouth shut my future is uncertain. Inevitably I will piss someone off. Most likely it will be a gay guy, a midget or a fat person. Of the three I feel I have the right to make fun of fat people. I am fat myself. I know this because some asshole just drove by and told me. I may be fat, but I managed to get laid once and I have a kid to prove it. Anyway, if you ever have the opportunity to meet me in the future I will be skinny. I am on a combination of the Akins, Jenny Craig and Olsen twins’ diets. Eat lots of meat, look at a naked picture of Kirsty Alley and throw-up.

So, in our vast wisdom I and my counterpart have decided to put all of the things a person shouldn’t say, are scared to say, or the things that are just plain dangerous to say into writing. Plus we promise to include a bunch of other stupid stuff and as many pictures of hot girls eating hot dogs as we can find…

--Laugh or Go Home! Jekyll

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Konnichiwa, Bitches!

It’s time to begin what will probably be the greatest blog you have ever read. You can smell the testosterone seething from your computer’s speakers right now. If you don’t have speakers, what the hell kind of lame ass computer do you have?

We are here to educate and inform, to enlighten and entertain. Jekyll and I will tell you everything you’ve ever wanted to know about being a man. You’ll be amused, surprised, and offended (if we’re lucky). Women will be attacking us for our phone numbers, and sending us pictures of them naked eating hot dogs. Yes, we are just that amazing.

To the men out there, isn’t it about time to step up and have your voice heard? Too long you’ve been living in the shadow of some woman. Yes, a man has always been President of the greatest country in the world, but where do you think he keeps his balls? No, he keeps them in a plastic baggy neatly tucked into his wife’s purse.

Men, it’s time for a place for you to go and feel manly. Go on, walk around in your old, disgusting underwear. Let it fall right out. Drink beer and spill it on the carpet. We won’t tell. Fill the dishwasher but don’t rinse first. If your wife asks, blame it on the kids.

For the ladies out there, don’t stop reading! Here’s your chance to learn the secrets of guys. Have you ever looked at your husband, boyfriend, guy you wanted in high school and wondered what he’s thinking? Well, stay tuned, and you’ll learn everything you ever wanted to know about what he was thinking

This isn’t easy to stomach. Being a guy never is. That’s why there are so many antacids out there. We’re nasty!

Personal hygiene and eating habits aside, the male of the species are usually more attractive, stronger, and smarter than the females. And, it’s time, gentlemen, to show off our proverbial shiny feathers. No more sitting in the garage, smoking cigars in the dark under a blanket. We’ll find the best spots right in your house, and the wife will never have to know.

So, just sit back and enjoy the ride. It’s going to be fast, fun, drunken, and mostly naked. But, if we get lost, don’t even think about asking for directions. If you do, we’ll freaking leave you there!

Jekyll and The Testosterone Pundit

(Note: The title of this post is a reference to an episode of the Chappelle Show, the "Racial Draft" where the Wu Tang Clan gets drafted by the Asians--hence, the Asian midgets playing basketball as well.)