Monday, May 29, 2006

Family Road Trip Survival Guide...

Memorial Day marks the beginning of summer for most Americans. Beer, BBQ and babes will become the focal point of as many weekends as possible until Labor Day. For me summer is a chance to recuperate from a long New England winter. I get to cut the grass, look at my hot neighbor in a bikini (even my wife thinks she’s hot…which pisses her off) and teach my son how to get me beers out the refrigerator in the garage. As an added bonus countless opportunities to take little family road trips to wonderful destinations not yet known to anyone but my wife arrive.

In the past I have tried to get my lovely bride to take road trips to places that interest me. In her good graces she usually agrees to one maybe two. I predict she will take total control this summer; considering last year my one pick was a disaster. We ended up at the New England Chile Cook Off which was fine until the car ride home; if you get my drift (she certainly did). Anyway, I have come up with a plan to get to at least one manly destination. I am not quite sure what that destination is just yet, but I can assure you it will involve beer, BBQ and hopefully midgets. I can’t divulge my summer travel plan until it has been tested, but I can give a couple of hints on how to deal with those seemingly endless summer antiquing and shopping trips.

First, always look for roadside food stands. I usually make sure to stop at least twice before lunch for snacks. Never pass up a hotdog cart or frozen lemonade stand. There is always room for 2 or 3 hotdogs and lemonade stands usually have a hot chick working them. The roadside snack establishment always offers a quick and tasty diversion to what ever mission your female companion is on. Whatever you do don’t let your wife, girlfriend, or chick you are trying to score with eat too much. If she gets full all chances for lunch and dinner are shot to hell.

Second, never refuse to give input when asked. When she asks what you think tell her, just make sure she doesn’t agree with you. When you don’t offer solicited advice you leave yourself open to a plethora of dangerous possibilities. She could mistake your lack of input for trust and you could end up owning a very expensive and heavy piece of antique crap. Worse than this she could take your silence for apathy and then all you will hear (not immediately, but you will hear it) about is how much you don’t care about things that are important to her. My hint is to always respond to this question with a suggestion you know she will shun. If not anything else at least it appears that you care and she gets to say no to you. In the future this offers you a chance to say “I told you so” and more immediately puts you in line for some sort of thank you. You reward could be choice of restaurant or sex depending on marital status.

Finally, don’t stop for directions. Being lost is better than shopping or antiquing, you just had a snack and you can pee in the woods. Most importantly, by the time you find your way it will be time to eat again. Keep driving maybe you will find a chili cook-off.


Blogger something from me said...

Great work. A few more babe pictures would be great. They do brighten the day. Who needs viagra, when the world is full of such beaty.

Check out
for a story of babes on the side.

5:15 AM  
Blogger Horatio Pepperwell said...

who indeed? the man's right- more babe pictures! this is a funny blog, very true about the commercials and the wife- tripping. very astute methods for dealing with that situation.

3:43 PM  

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