Wednesday, May 31, 2006

A Friendly Reminder Regarding Spandex...

Maybe I’m late on this one, but I feel I must comment on a couple of things that men just shouldn’t be associated with. There are things that one may partake in that may make you appear gay, foolish, and even stupid. Then there are things that are so friggin’ ridiculous that you should be forced to pee sitting down for having anything to do with them. I witnessed two such things today and I feel it is my obligation to find someway to point out to these poor lost souls the error of their ways.

First of all there is a difference between having confidence in yourself and not caring what anyone else thinks and being friggin’ clueless to what and who you really are. Both are admirable traits when one has the goods to back them up. If your buddy bets you a dollar to walk your XXXL ass around Cambridge in bright pink and yellow spandex; you best take the bet. This is acceptable and any man who is once made aware of the circumstances will understand. If you are competing in the Tour De France please, by all means, wear spandex; you have earned the right.

If it is Wednesday afternoon and you are out for a casual bike ride with your toddler in tow wear friggin’ shorts, there is no need to make your son stare at your fruit basket as you peddle your fat ass down my street. Likewise, a full spandex bodysuit garnished with an erection is not a settling sight as you power walk down Mass Ave. Gay or straight you are not going to get laid in that get up. A fat bald one eyed leprous midget with moles has a better chance of having sex than you.

Second, those tiny little motorcycles (I think they are called Pocket Bikes) are not intended to be driven on major roads or for that matter by seemingly grown men. Riding them full speed down the sidewalk through a crowd of people leaving work does not bring you envy. That full on motocross costume and metallic racing helmet only makes you look more ridiculous, people are pointing and laughing at you. That thing you are riding is a scooter not a midget crotch rocket. Please if you mom won’t let you have a real bike buy a Vespa; James Gandolfini did.

I apologize if my choice of topic is out dated, but I have noticed a terrible increase in the wearing of spandex by men lately. It is bad enough when a fat chick dawns these stretchy duds, but a real man should just know better. As for the scooter thing, well I don’t understand the scooter thing. I think they’re ludicrous especially when the rider thinks they are Evil Knievel.


Blogger Chuck said...

All very good points. and well taken in

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