Thursday, May 25, 2006

I'm Less Offensive Once You Get to Know Me...

I’m in my thirties married with a son. I figure if I am lucky I will get to have sex a few more times in my life, when my wife wants another kid. After that it will be all about free internet porn. I am obsessed with three things food, football, and midgets. The food thing is mainly about BBQ and chili peppers. The Football thing is really about tailgating; again the real attraction is the food. The midget thing is completely offensive to most people and utterly inappropriate, insensitive and possibly even mean. I can’t help it. There is something about midgets or if you must little people (midget is such a great word though) that fascinates me.

Some have accused me of having a duel personality. On one hand I like all the things that men are supposed to like. However, a few of my interests must be hidden from my more manly friends. I have a secret love for the arts mainly theatre and literature. Before I go any further let’s qualify this statement. These not so manly interests were born out of many unsuccessful attempts to get laid. Evenings at the theatre and poetry make chicks horny. Not necessarily horny for me, but can’t you blame a fat guy for trying. If one looks into my past one might think my marriage is cover up. My grandmother secretly does. Anyway, occasionally I might write about things men like that make them look gay. My reasoning is simple. If you are not gay, but have a few interests that make you appear gay you need to be ridiculed for them. If you are a real man you won’t give a crap. If you are offended, then maybe you are gay.

The majority of my writing will be my filterless view of the world. I have a terrible habit of saying most everything that is on my mind regardless of the company I am in. I have, on countless, occasions said the wrong thing at the wrong time in front of the wrong people. Because of this incapacity to keep my freakin’ mouth shut my future is uncertain. Inevitably I will piss someone off. Most likely it will be a gay guy, a midget or a fat person. Of the three I feel I have the right to make fun of fat people. I am fat myself. I know this because some asshole just drove by and told me. I may be fat, but I managed to get laid once and I have a kid to prove it. Anyway, if you ever have the opportunity to meet me in the future I will be skinny. I am on a combination of the Akins, Jenny Craig and Olsen twins’ diets. Eat lots of meat, look at a naked picture of Kirsty Alley and throw-up.

So, in our vast wisdom I and my counterpart have decided to put all of the things a person shouldn’t say, are scared to say, or the things that are just plain dangerous to say into writing. Plus we promise to include a bunch of other stupid stuff and as many pictures of hot girls eating hot dogs as we can find…

--Laugh or Go Home! Jekyll


Blogger hedgehogman said...

you're so honest and this is so original. well nice one and goodluck

9:26 PM  

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