Saturday, May 27, 2006

Things That Are Gay

Well, the first step to being the manliest man one can be is to know the enemy. My cohort on this blog will disagree with many of my choices, but that’s because I think he is secretly gay. I know his grandmother does. Nevertheless, it is important to know what to avoid when one steps out into the world. You can’t fight everything. We’re just getting you started.

*Sex and the City. This, actually, does have hot slutty women going for it. I’ve tried to watch. I really have. I tried it with the volume up. I tried it with the volume down. There is far too little nudity, and far too much “metrosexuality,” which any man will translate as homosexuality.

*Ryan Seacrest. I know there is some debate about this. Actually, he’s tried to toughen his image. There have been the unshaven nights on Idol. There have been the trysts with Teri Hatcher (who is probably old enough to be an aunt, if not his mother). But, let’s face it, gay men watch American Idol every week just to ogle our boy Ryan.

*Christina Aguilera. I know what you’re thinking here. I have taken the liberty of including a picture of Christina. Many self-respecting men will agree that her video for the single, “Dirty,” is the best music video ever made. What could be better than girls in short skirts boxing? But, I have a reliable source (whom I will keep confidential) that tells me that that song is the most-played gay club song of all time.

*Jeff Garcia. Former San Franciso 49ers wide receiver and resident big mouth Terrell Owens is quoted as saying, “My boy always says, if it looks like a rat and smells like a rat…” The quote may not be exact, but you get the picture.

*Broadway musicals. Broadway is not what it used to be. The average man can attend a show and not feel like the only real man in the place, but don’t get too wrapped up in the show. The next thing you know, you’ll be singing “Seasons of Love” and trying out some Bob Fosse moves in your French leotard.

This is certainly only a partial list. But, they’ll give you a good idea of what to look for. And, when you’re in any doubt, just remember what T.O. says. He’s never wrong, especially in his choice of agent.

And remember, if there’s grass on the field, put up a tent, throw some steaks on the barbeque, and play some flag football with the sorority girls having a carwash across the street.

The Testosterone Pundit

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