Thursday, June 15, 2006

FEMA and Midget Tag

Being a good sport, I thought I’d participate vicariously in midget tag. In my line of work, you see a lot of weird stuff, some involving midgets. So, I’ll be the first to report a sighting, sort of. I didn’t see it, but that doesn’t make it any less weird.

The Federal Emergency Management Agency recently reported some abuse of their disaster relief after Hurricane Katrina. People received $500 debit cards to certain stores from FEMA to pay for groceries, supplies, clothes, etc. In places like Atlanta, where some refugees went, they would sell the cards for $300 or something, so they had cash to spend wherever they’d like. Others who did not have specific debit cards used the cards to buy Xboxes and other knick knacks from Best Buy and other like places. One refugee racked up a $600 bill at a strip club all on FEMA’s dime. Still another stayed at an expensive hotel in Hawaii for a month. All told, FEMA was swindled for close to a billion dollars.

These were the normal cheats, but they were not the only ones. I have scoured the news for similar Katrina-related scams that would qualify for midget tag. As it turns out, there were quite a few.

*Midget tossing. The time-honored American tradition has been turned into a professional sport. In fact, some industrious refugee used his hurricane relief money to create a professional midget tossing league. In the league’s inaugural match, the Little Rock Red Necks defeated the Jackson White Trash by a distance of 12 ½ feet.

*Midget identity theft. Many of the people in New Orleans knew to get out when the water was waist-deep. Unfortunately, it was already too late for the little people by then. Thus, some unscrupulous regular-sized type, stole the little identities and used the small relief checks to purchase little cars, little clothes, and massive quantities of heroin. Drugs are a big problem in the little community.

*Midget warlords. Not all of the small people were killed in the floods. Some managed to escape by climbing things. For a brief period, before order was restored, a few strong-willed little people became rulers of their domains. Some reports say that these little warlords amused themselves by strapping tall people together and forcing them to knife fight for food.

The atrocities that residents of the Gulf Coast suffered should not be overlooked, but damn can we get some good humor out of it.

And remember, if there’s grass on the field, put up a tent, throw some steaks on the barbeque, and play some two-hand touch football with the sorority girls having a carwash across the street.

The Testosterone Pundit

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