Wednesday, June 28, 2006

How My Wife Saves Money...

My wife came home from the store today with 15 (yes, I said fifteen) backyard oil torches. She was delighted with her find and could hardly wait to tell me how much money she saved. Now, before I get into the how much she paid for to first component in our voodoo sacrificial torch lit alter, help me with something. Why would a woman who fears the backyard at night and runs at the first sign of the West Nile army buy lanterns? The answer to this quandary can only be found in the mind of my wife and leaves all that attempt to solve such a riddle to suffer a fate worse than that of the Sphinx.

We don’t need one backyard torch lantern, let alone 15. I just spent more than a few hundred dollars on flood lights and lamp posts for the backyard. Not because I wanted enough lights to illuminate Fenway Park, but because my wife (who hates to be outside at night) wanted them. So the dog can see when he pees was her reasoning. We lit the backyard like Time Square so the dog doesn’t pee on his foot. Now the dog, which won’t go out at night by himself anyway, has a better lit crapper than I do.

Now, ask me why she bought the torches. She bought them because they were on sale and she got a great deal. How is it saving money when you buy something you have no need or desire for? That’s not saving money. It’s spending money. I can’t tell you how many things we own that saved my wife money. Much of this stuff has never been opened. Christmas candles last July, candy dishes (she won’t let me eat candy), pet clothing and many other treasures sit in my attic saving me money. I hate the Christmas Tree Shop. Would someone please tell my wife that just because something is on sale doesn’t me we need it.

Back to the torches, they only cost one dollar each. Yes, I said one dollar. Who the hell can manufacture and sell a product for one dollar. Let alone a product that is intended to hold a pint of flammable oil and remain lit for an extended period of time. Who is making the torches? Blind Malaysian toddler midgets working in slave camps. I can’t imagine that these things are anything close to safe. They cost a dollar.

If you hear fire engines tonight I apologize, we are testing our new torches. I wonder how well bamboo burns. These things have to be illegal. Wait until she realizes our two year old can pull them out of the ground. Hopefully King Kong will see my torch lit patio, think it is a sacrificial alter and take one of us away. Please let it be me!


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