Saturday, June 03, 2006

Sex Advice for the Ladies

When I’m in line at the supermarket, I find that every women’s magazine out there has sex advice. Men’s magazines have it, too. I see a fundamental flaw in this system. First, who typically writes women’s magazines? Women (or gay men). And, who writes men’s magazines? Duh! Men.

Am I the only one that sees the problem with this? Why would men give men sex advice? What the hell do we know about pleasing a woman? We could masturbate five hundred times a day and enjoy it. But, when it comes to making a woman enjoy things, we think of it more like fixing a car or running the perfect play action pass. I’ll fake a run, then, throw a long one for a touchdown, and go to sleep. In the mean time, she is left wondering what the hell happened.

I’m married. Obviously, I know nothing about good sex with women. I may know about it with my wife, but, even then, I’m barely an amateur. But, what I do know is what men want. As weird as it sounds, I’m an expert for how to have good sex with me, not women.

So, what follows is a list of things that men like. Girls, if you do these and do them right, you’ll have him out shopping for doilies and tulle before you know it:

*Oral Sex! Lots of it. I can’t stress this enough. This is the most important thing women can do. Moreover it’s not about how much you do it (although a bad hummer is better than no hummer any time). It’s about how much you enjoy it. Most women do this grudgingly. It’s something that’s part of the sex routine. They don’t enjoy it really. Girls, if you can show your man that you can’t wait to get to work on him, he’ll do dishes all week. I guarantee it.

*Trash and Class. Men don’t always know what they want, so what should you do? Do it all. A man wants a woman who will look classy and be trashy. Wear a sexy (but classy) black cocktail dress with no underwear. He won’t be able to keep his hands off you, and I guarantee you’ll leave the party early.

*Getting Dirty. Guys, more often than not, want to get dirty: dirty talk, doing it in the kitchen on the table, oral sex on a long drive. However, we’re timid little pansies when it comes to stuff like that. We’re afraid to ask. Why? We’re afraid that, if you say “no,” we won’t get any sex at all. And, missionary in the bed every Thursday for the rest of our lives is better than battling the one-eyed beast five or six times a day. Girls, make a move. Nibble on our ears and feels us up in the car. Give us a quick flash up the skirt in a crowded mall and then go at it in the garage when you get home.

*Did I mention oral sex?

This is just a quick summary, but it goes a long way to getting what you want. Girls, this is a SPOILER if I ever saw one. Go out and play around, and your guys will be ready to do anything and everything you want. It’s a small price to pay, and you might just like what you get, too.

This is the Testosterone Pundit remind you, if there’s grass on the field, put up a tent, throw some steaks on the barbeque, and play some two-hand touch football with the sorority girls having a carwash across the street.


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