Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Things Guys Don’t Need

For anyone who doesn’t know, Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback, Ben Roethlisberger, was involved in a motorcycle accident where he was seriously injured. He has since undergone surgery to repair him. He was not wearing a helmet at the time. On several occasions prior to the incident, the Steelers’s head coach, Bill Cowher, has asked Big Ben to wear a helmet while riding.

Here’s what I have to say about all this: screw you Bill! If I don’t want to wear a helmet, I won’t. All this hoopla has gotten me thinking about some of the other things guys don’t need. Girls, if you don’t to upset your man, don’t give him any of these.

*Advice. Why do people bother to give men advice? We don’t listen anyway. When I tell my wife I’m going to do something stupid, she has the audacity to try and talk me out of it. She should save her breath and go make me a pie.

*Directions. This stems from the advice thing. We’re not going to stop and ask. I’d rather die than ask someone when I’m lost.

*New underwear. Look in the underwear drawer of the average male. What will you see? A collection of rags with elastic that slightly resembles a waist band. But, don’t tell me that I need a new pair. Until my underwear literally falls off of me, it’s as good as new. And, by the way, by the time they get that old, you can’t wash them because that would be the end.

*An excuse to masturbate. We don’t have to see a hot girl to want to go at it. Guys, when was the last time you rubbed one out because there wasn’t anything on TV to watch. Maybe there just wasn’t anything better to do. Don’t be shy. We all know it happens.

*The Lifetime Network. What the hell is this crap? My sister-in-law loves it. Here’s the plot of every movie on the network: a woman is getting stalked by the illegitimate father of her Down’s Syndrome child, but he has a heart attack, and she falls for him again. Are you lost? So am I. I think I’ll go play Keno.

That’s just a sampling. Tell me, guys, what else don’t we need that is being forced down our throats all the time? And, remember, this goes double if you’re gay.

And remember, if there’s grass on the field, put up a tent, throw some steaks on the barbeque, and play some two-hand touch football with the sorority girls having a carwash across the street.

The Testosterone Pundit

(The Pittsburgh Steelers don’t have cheerleaders, so you’re forced to look at a picture of a Dallas Cowgirl. Sorry.)

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