Saturday, June 24, 2006

Tools of the Trade...

Ah, well it is Saturday night and my chunky chum would have you believe that his work ethic keeps him diligently writing for you. A noble sacrifice if it were true. I would never call him a fraud, but I would love to know whose pants he’s trying to get off.

Anyway, my time is short as my evening is filled with promises of tequila, oysters and lobster quesadillas. These are not just random items on the menu at the Tex-Mex restaurant down the street. They are the tools I employ to seduce my wife. Those of you who also enjoy marital bliss understand the difficulty that is the quest for sex. Some would say that tequila should be enough to seal the deal and I would call them amateurs.

The consumption of tequila by my bride usually leads directly to SportsCenter. Tequila when used to encourage already eager college girls is an excellent plan. However, when it comes to married women it becomes a very dangerous proposition. If one margarita passes over my wife’s lips the pillow is about ½ hour away. Two margaritas and she stops at the bathroom on her way to bed. The tequila is for me, the more I drink the better I look and the less I care what she looks like.

The oysters are also for me, she hates them which means I get to eat something without her taking bites off of my plate. Yeah I know these pearl poopers are suppose to be an aphrodisiac, but a cool breeze up the shorts leg works just as well for me.

Finally, the lobster quesadillas are for me as well. My bride is lactose intolerant, but loves quesadillas. A little cheese and she’s in the can all night. Why is that good for me you ask? Well that gives me enough time to find some scrambled porn on the tube and mix up a batch without interruption. Then at least I’m relaxed for SportsCenter and can watch in peace…

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