Sunday, June 25, 2006

What Not To Watch

There are a lot of things out there for entertaining men. There’s the gratuitous nudy bar, which is a must for any self-respecting man (as long as your wife approves or doesn’t know). Any number of sporting events is a welcome diversion. Of course, there’s porn on the Internet.

As you can see, there are things out there worth watching, but, unfortunately, there are some things you shouldn’t watch. What follows is a list of just a few of those things. My wordy counterpart on this blog may not agree with all of them, but he’s always distracted trying to come up with new, vociferous ways of making fun of me.

*Brokeback Mountain. This should be obvious, but some of my more artistic male contemporaries feel the need to watch. Gay is cool nowadays. Don’t be attracted by the siren song of gay movies. They’re not what you think. They’re really just gay.

*Golden Girls. I was talking to a homosexual friend of mine (no, it’s not Jekyll) recently, and he mentioned that he likes this particular, uninteresting show about a bunch of old ladies. He says that he knows the lines before they’re said. I guess I can appreciate that from the Simpsons or Family Guy, but not the freakin’ Golden Girls.

*Men’s beach volleyball. It’s a woman’s sports with half-dressed men playing it. I don’t think so. On the bright side, when the women play it, they’re almost completely naked. During the last Olympics, I was glued to my seat during women’s beach volleyball games.*Birth shows. My wife, before and during her pregnancy, had an obsession with this stuff on Discovery Channel. First off, the only things worth watching on the Discovery Channel are shark-related shows. Next, I love seeing a naked woman, but not when she has bologna nipples and is ten centimeters dilated. Women in their ninth month of pregnancy look like dead, bloated fish that have just floated to the surface. (I will be sleeping on the couch for that remark, but I stand by my insensitive slur.)

Alright, that’s it. Did I miss anything? What unmanly things should you not watch on TV and at the movies? Feel free to share.

And remember, if there’s grass on the field, put up a tent, throw some steaks on the barbeque, and play some two-hand touch football with the sorority girls having a carwash across the street.

The Testosterone Pundit

(Note: Pictured are Kerri Walsh and Misty May, two women's beach volleyball players. In one picture you see them in their work gear doing....something. In the other, you can actually see their faces, just for comparison's sake.)

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