Sunday, July 02, 2006

What a Tease

I know some things in my life. I know that I will never win an argument with my wife. I know that the weather in New England is always bad, no matter what season. And, I know that cellular phone service will never be more than mediocre. It just stands to reason. People have their cell phones glued to their ears. They can’t live without them.

I’m a cell phone company. Why would I spend more money (thus, making less profit) to provide better service when I can just do what I’ve been doing and make a butt load of money? The answer, of course, is: I wouldn’t.

Despite my severe dislike for the cell phone companies and their wholesale ripoff of the people of this country. I have a cell phone. And, despite how much I know they gouge prices, I went to buy a new one recently.

This is actually supposed to be the best part of the whole deal. As a guy, I go to the cell phone store looking for the most expensive phone with as many bells and whistles as possible. I want a phone that will make me more of a man; an extension of my already massive penis.

Beyond the basics of a freaking awesome phone, I like the chance to haggle with the salespeople and try to get a better deal. This is actually rather easy. My wife and I are both fast talkers, and the salespeople usually speak better Spanish than English. My wife is a bit bitchy when it comes to talking to salespeople, so it’s fun to watch her make them look foolish. I feel good about this because, for at least an hour, it’s not me she’s yelling at.

So, I’m all set. I have my Hawaiian shirt, my most comfortable shoes, and my poker face. It’s time to deal. The only problem is, I have to deal with my wife. Yes, I want the biggest, most expensive phone. Unfortunately, I have to settle for the one we can get without actually having to pay any money. So, I end up with the phone that looks just like my old phone.

Have you ever had sex and not had an orgasm? As rare as that is for a man, it does happen. That’s what cell phone shopping is like. I go to the store, and despite getting something for nothing, the cell phone company always wins. I got screwed there and didn’t enjoy it. To top it off, I go for prime rib and end up with some grade D beef for a phone. I get screwed by my wife there and didn’t get to enjoy that either. What is the lesson in all this? I guess I’ll have to go spank it, but I know better than to expect to enjoy that either.

And remember, if there’s grass on the field, put up a tent, throw some steaks on the barbeque, and play some two-hand touch football with the sorority girls having a carwash across the street.

The Testosterone Pundit

(Note: In lieu of a picture. Here is a link to a pretty funny video relating to cell phones. One day, I'll learn how to embed them. In the mean time, enjoy.)